Posts (page 2)

this is where I pour my heart and purge my soul to the sanctity of the Internet like I did back in the day. Back when I was an angsty little girl who made her own page and worked so diligently. Back then it afforded me solace and won me friends I hold to this day, so perhaps it is worth the effort.

I am reminded far too much of late how nothing is safe, secure and constant and that the only sure thing is things will constantly change.

My Grandmother, although mentally and spiritually is the person I know and love continues to have health problems.  I am coming to terms with the reality that in all likelihood this time next year she may not be here with me and it kills me to no end. I am afraid. Afraid to visit and afraid to stay away. Part of me wants to start letting go to spare myself some possible pain, and part of me feels guilty for it. She herself is getting to the point she is trying to refuse doctor check ups and such. As if to say, she wants to put her fate in the hands of a higher power and just enjoy whatever time she has left without the hassle and trauma of hospitals.

An evening spent(Monday) with my friend Marina reminded me of the fact I honestly only have two friends left I trust and feel totally in my skin with left in close proximity...one being her, the other being my friend Ryan.   And again part of me is anxious and afraid of them being taken away and in addition to financial and whatever hardships that keep me from being as social as I was in the past again just that fear makes me want to run away.

One of my coworkers is being laid off, which again opens the pandora's box of work anxiety and discomfort and all that go with it.

Ever since my brother's wedding, my father keeps writing me letter to check in. After my little tearful episode.  And while his words may be sincere and what not, they actually only make me a bit worse. No Dad I am sorry, I am not OK.  I really am. My poor head is about as heavy as my body these days. It is all a bit much and most of the time I distract myself to keep going and play like a responsible, grounded adult. But most of the time I feel like a scared little girl about just about everything.  But how do you say that? Without feeling ashamed. Without troubling someone that is not in the best of health.

I just wish I could trap a perfect moment. Or maybe just a tranquil moment in a jar.  And make a little snow globe type thing of it, big enough to crawl inside. And just rest and feel at ease for awhile.  Free of the worry of saying goodbye, or rationalizing about letting go of things I hold dear.

If only....

Damn money for being among my woes. Were it not, I might be on the first flight to Arizona come Friday night to visit my friend Katie...even if just for a few hours and to come back. My surroundings are sufforcating and I could use the company of someone that understands.

Someone to drown away our mutual sorrows of heartache, family distress, self image, the need for something deeper...

over vodka and conversation followed by tattoos and piercings

Protected sleep, the one which my precious attempt to rest is jolted by the alarm clock is never all that fun. Even on mild autumn days or when the song playing on the radio is to my liking.  Waking up is all the more upsetting when the very thing or things you seek sleep's shelter to escape comes screaming at you like a hungry baby or car out of control "remember me? I am your worries and angst, pay attention!!!!"

I have things I need to accomplish or get back on track with and am reminded of that in the most random ways. I have no one to blame but myself either. So maybe I will start today. For real this time. And this is vague, but until I see myself drinking from the glass of persistence, success, and perfection (of sorts) I will stay that way. Time to put away that big old mug of apathy, inferiority and fast.  I am only making myself miserable.
For such a perfectionist/overachiever occasionally I slip big time and fall into a nasty complacent pattern. Where a reverse distortion occurs and I see things as better than they are. As though I am looking or viewing it all through some magic circus mirror.

Why yes, even the even the ever unsatisfied little pessimist is entitled to moments of ego and granduer. 

Then as I said, something random snaps me into shape.  A remark here, something I read there.  And the flood gates of reality open all hell inside break loose .   Let me hope I can get back on track and not let the bitter taste in my mouth or current state discourage or hinder me.
There is always hope or reason to try I guess.

Try not to slay the messenger too bad.  Even for the tears. The truth, however it is brought out may sting but denial tastes worse.
Remember that.

Colorbirds

coming soon to a right hip bone near me??? One can wish. I don't even want the color..just the black outline...

hmmmmm

or perhaps my original thought

Swan

 the swan would match my minotuar in that it would be radioheadesque (black swan/thom yorke)

There is a little ghost that has taken to visiting me of late.  She sits in random places, the corner of my bed, or perhaps next to it.  Or shotgun in my messy car.  Her messenger back full of heavy books that weigh almost as much as she does.  Covered in all sorts of random buttons. Her long auburn her in a Fiona circa "Tidal" type fashion all wavy and thick and pulled to one side.

She pouts and gives me these looks of contempt and sighs. I try to ignore her but she repeats until I pay attention.
"Who are you!!!!" she asks  Who is this resigned young woman next to me. What happened to you. Sure you were a little loud and extreme at your worst...but at your best you were a fighter and stubborn in the most positive way possible.
You would not allow anything get to you.  You stood your ground and defended your soul.

Lately just the struggle to get through the days really just robs me of all I am or was or could ever hope to be. I am doing all the things I swore I really did not want to. Living my life for the next weekend or worrying about when this or that bill is due. I always had this sort of vigilante type spirit. I wanted to grow up but I did not want to totally into the ways of the world that take away who you really are.

I guess the one thing I have going for me is I am well aware of this and that little ghost in me is trying to fight it. While most people just sort of let it all happen and wake up one day and think what the fuck, why, what?
At least I am well aware and can at least try to rebel

Never mind me. I am just tired so much. I miss the silly times with certain friends. I miss my grandmother being well and I miss being energetic. I am in a ugly holding pattern. I cannot go back yet I really lack the clout and whatever else to fit into a world that is "expected of someone of my age/stature" etc.

So what the hell should I do?  Jump on a bus like Enid at the end of Ghost World. Stick a bunch of random places in a fish bowl, draw a place and just start over. I really do not know anymore

Mushaboom

So I guess I have some 'splaning to do.

Where oh where have I been? I have all of these sketches of things I want to write. Check that....need to write.

So why have I not done so?

While things at work have been surprisingly calm, I cannot say that for the rest of my life. Turmoil of the personal, family, practical, financial, etc. varieties springing up like pesky weeds.

Things is, as bad as work or school problems have been or could be, I am if nothing else less recumbent when it comes to dealing with them. At least these days. I have no choice as the responsibility nags at me and I make my choices and give in.

But everything else? I just am in this push it away/run away type of mode.  Forever a little girl I just want to have someone throw a trusty old comforter over me, hand me a nice glass of water and tell me it will all be OK. Even if in actuality it may not. Just tell me it is OK so I will believe it.

Mindset is half of the battle is it now?

The Psychedelic Furs - Pretty In Pink

Things have been so quiet and calm this week at work, my ever imaginative mind is convinced that perhaps my high ups have been kidnapped and replaced with stepford-esque robot clones. That must be the reason. That or I clearly reported to the wrong place. Hmm...maybe they will keep me hear? Maybe a nice surprise will be in my paycheck come Monday?

heh

Trouble is, all this respite has done is afford my mind time to stray to other worries and thoughts...The ones that are more frightening anyhow.  I mean that is the real reason I allow work to get to me. Or things such as fat days or bad hair days... Just so I do not sit and dwell on those things that really hurt and worry me.  My overwhelming need to push away or run away from people, and spare myself the agony. The worry of where my life is going as the seconds tick away.  The fact I am not always in control(no matter how hard I try) of things such as my heart and emotions and all the alcohol and whatever other diversions will not make them go away.  Not really.

Anything I care about is destined to hurt me. Or leave me. And I really do not care to wax philisophical and do the "tis better to have loved and lost..."  cliched bullshit.  Leave that crap for the writers of shows like the Wonder Years/Dawson's Creek and so on. Cause all that fucking nostalgia is better when it is not happening to you. All at once this is safe and dangerous and pondering the implications from ever angle gives me headaches that rival my migraines or ones induced by dental problems. Yes that bad.

Not to mention this weekend I am short on funds to squander to once again take my focus away from myself.  Not even for things I could rationalize as necessary such as cleaning supplies or what have you to at least give me new projects to engage myself.  Do not know what I am going to do to keep from climbing the walls.  I honestly don't.   I miss my friend Katie dearly and am starved for conversation. Yet part of me looks at my new pretty little phone in anger and wants to throw it against the wall or window.   Despite the rumors of this "global warming" thing it is cold as hell here currently and all I want to do is hide...literally and figuratively under the covers like a little kid. Or maybe some hot sake. Or shots of Stoli Vanilla.

And to watch The Breakfast Club followed by Fight Club back to back as many times as I can stomach. So perhaps I can rekindle my revoultionary "I will not let society take my soul" mentality.

Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over

Tell me how you do it. How you managed to set up your little camp in my soul. Moving straight past all the signs and banners that said "nobody is allowed to cross this point."  Just how did you do that? What is your secret??  So many others failed and you succeeded in record time no less.  Building your little home and that warm little fire that sparkles throughout me?  Set down your little lattern shinning bright light where it had been dark and barren for so long.  It couldn't have been an easy task. Honestly.

But more importantly please tell me if and when you plan to abruptly vacate. And leave that horrible emptiness inside. Leaving me more scared than the initial invasion or more curious(in every sense) I am of your extended visit.

It happens. Time and again. I just would love a little warning sign. Please?
I know it cannot be easy. There have to be more tranquil seas and terrain on which to stay.  But even the  most harsh, secluded of places do eventually take comfort and enjoy the company. Even if they try to play it off. Oh they do.
So before you pack up and bid your final adieu, please let me know?
I will not beg or force you to stay, you came on your own volition. But even I am allowed to wish and hope upon that star you will not go. At least anytime soon.

"Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it’s there....."

Radiohead- There There

Note to self:

You started this blog for a reason and you need to use it. The hunger for a new start, deeper meaning and inspiration will not be quelled if you do not at least make a concerted effort Shelby.

The sky  is clear and the air is quite  biting and frosty and this always puts me in a quasi "spring feverish" mode. Where I daydream endlessly for hours. While working, while sitting and relaxing.  While trying to be productive in my spare time. While cleaning. While trying to sleep. The ever capricious, imaginative one

I go over and over that late afternoon and evening a million times in my mind. It was magical and simple and everything felt safe and secure. Perfect and laced with possibilities. I make like one of those "chose your own adventure tales" and play the what if this or what if that card.

And in the end I still would not change it. Even if my curious mind really wishes I could. For in and of itself it stands there so beautiful and perfect as it was.

Dear 2007

I am not asking for miracles or a cakewalk or the easy life

But I need something more than the year that passed.
And the pattern and empty, void feeling that hits...when the depression does not hit.

something other than shattered dreams and heartache and chasing what is not good for me.
of watching the minutes, the hours, the days and months pass by so quickly
Of feeling so damn alone and out of synch and scared and helpless all the time
I don't want that to be me anymore..

Just please...show me the way, I will do the work, just give me the opportunity this time.

I just want to feel something genuine, and different. I do not even know what. I just know I need something new.