I can't operate on this failure when all I want to be is completely in command
I went to visit my grandmother today, to find her table a mess with boxes filled with all sorts of pictures and her adamantly telling me how she needed to get them in books and organized. Lately visiting her is more and more bittersweet as I am perhaps reading so many of her behaviors as preparation to let go or die. And it just hurts. Imagining my life without her is hard. Not only that, lately my life seems so meaningless and I feel so disenchanted and alone and unwanted I have actually made silly wishes...ones that perhaps I could swap how many years I am left on this planet and give them to her. Makes no sense but I do. I do not want to die, but I want to feel alive and sometimes I feel as though I am a ghost or an illusion here.
And I think the reason I blog or take so many damn pictures of myself is some sort of effort to quell this worry. Or give myself a way of living on. Even after I am gone. Just the way people sort of see when they have children. Maybe one day someone will stumble upon one of my many blogs here online and wonder who I was and find me fascinating. And despite the dates being long ago and far away feel less alone and meaningless themselves. Then even if I am not there to witness, my life would not be in vain. Not at all.
