Work is making me stressed/depressed again. But what is new?
What came first the stress or the monotony? Or are they so intertwined that it really does not matter? I think it is the monotony that is getting to me. Yes I realize life is not one big choose your own adventure book, with something thrilling and life altering happening everyday. But the cycle of living for the end of the day or my break, or the weekend, is sort of heartbreaking enough, plus when the same old same old somehow is not even really that important. To the world or people in the grand scheme of things. I perhaps could take people being bitchy and mean and my boss having his moody outbursts and annoying snippy emails from co workers if at the end of the day at least I felt as though I was doing the world a bit of good.
But no, really all I am doing is paying my bills on time. Hopefully being smart enough to have a bit to enjoy myself as well. And when it all starts to suck my soul and energy and I cannot enjoy what matters most, I want to throw my comforter over my head in the morning and just give up. No wonder my boss has had so many heart problems and been sick. It all just makes me think about life too much and that is just not what I want.
And the home I have known for so long seems less and less like home. Much like my job it is a security blanket, in that it is familar. Status quo. But I do not know how much longer I can hold onto a holding pattern that at times makes me feel as though I am choking..
At least I feel a bit better physically than I did this time last week. The detox from the stupid, evil pill that made me so ill has been slow. But I guess I need to figure it will take the same or at least almost the same amount of time as I was taking it. All I know is I never felt so ill, emotionally and physically in my life. At least in recent times.
anyhow a couple of pictures, since some of you enjoy them
you remember this silly girl
oh and lookie here... seems as though my niece is taking after me...
big glasses? check
puckered up mouth? check(although needs more pout)
Note to self.
No more tears. Save them for another time. Seriously. Life will be challenging you soon enough. Store those until said time.
Note to self part two:
No more hiding. You are amazing, wonderful, talented, funny and a million other traits. No really you are. Go on, you know it. Deep down you do. Plenty of people would love to be in your cute little shoes in a heartbeat. The world needs to share in this, and as hard as it may be(and scary as well) right now you must come out and start the party. Or join in the party.
But you are wanted, needed and missed.
And you are the best there is. Nobody can take your place.
Learn it, love it, live it. And most importantly BELIEVE IT
On the count of three.... go
When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday???
So I now I
have the lucky seven. As in seven little inklings on my body. The last
one is sort of special in a different way. Yes it is obvious and trite
in one regards. But with me everything has deeper meaning and all these
dualities. The swan could be both the "black swan" to match my
Radiohead Minotaur as well as just the ugly duckling thing. As too can
the word love in German no less.
But my Grandma always used that
term of endearment in regards to me when I was a little girl. And
those that know me might also be aware she had a stroke last October.
She is mentally better now, but still not the same and has lots of
other health problems. It is just the process of life and I have to
come to terms with it...but still, it hurts.
Right now part of
me wants to bottle up the time when I was a little girl, and my Grandma
was totally healthy and had many years ahead of her. When I still had
these big dreams and fantasies that nobody could crush. When summer
seemed to last forever and the best thing ever was listening to the hum
of heater going on and off on a winter night. Life was simple or
simpler and beautiful rather than scary and so unsure. I knew who my
friends were and even though there was no myspace the little sentiments
we wrote on silly notes were sincere and true.
I don't want to go back. That is silly. But I wish I could have a little of the past with me. Always. And with this I do.
"don't make me chase you, even doves have pride...."
For the past few days, the rain has been intermittent and icy..with burst of sunshine here and there.
The sun is putting up a good fight...to break free, it really is.
Perhaps it is a metaphor.
I will not cry today, I will not
I cannot. No. I will not allow it.
Things will happen as they are destined to. Or not. I cannot make alter my emotions or those of anyone else. I am powerless. I really am...
There is a war taking place inside of me and a huge chunk of my heart missing shaped like you.
"You want me?
Well come on and break the door down.."
my sensible mind and some other competing force are waging an intense battle inside of me. I am pretty helpless to it all. I am forced to lie while it all takes place.
A battle where I see no winners and nothing but carnage no matter what.
I just hope there is someone to patch the wounds when the smoke clears
oh 1992
wtf do I like this song?
Yeah I am lame and cheesy.
and I need to stay off youtube
Work, while stressful and busy beyond belief is suddenly the one and almost only thing that makes me happy. I suddenly have developed some super human power to get everything done quicker than I ever have before and right on the heels of one coworker getting laid off(she will not be replaced) and yet another getting fired. So if there is a divine being or force, maybe just maybe it likes me
Aside from that I am a wreck. To say the very least.
I feel as though everything and anything else is totally out of control
And I am grasping for something to hold on to. And for the time being, feeling like the teacher's pet in first grade where my name was on a board with starts or whatever the fuck else, work satisfies that need. At least I am in the driver's seat and not failing and not being able so much as hold on. In pretty much all aspects of my life. Family, personal, internal and so on.
So I grab on to work like a security blanket. For I need something to be constant and real and there. This year seems as though it will be one of letting go of things no matter how hard I do not want to. My Grandmother's health is not so good, and she has so many problems it is only a matter of time.
I only have a couple friends I truly trust and feel comfortable close by.
Other feelings I have I do not know what to do with cause, my mind is convinced either way I will only experience pain. So I struggle daily with how to handle them.
And that would be me...with my "heart of glass"
My stomach is killing me and is inflated as though I swallowed a damn balloon
Reflux + estrogen= clothes hurting and cranky uncomfortable me.
Excuse my red eyes.
I got all of like two hours sleep.
Don't ask..
From that very first conversation, one that lasted well over three hours, off and on between
the fickle nature of cell phones and the damn sound of fireworks exploding in the sky
the dice were loaded. All at once my strengths were shattered and my rules and infallible
control came crashing down. Some sort of force I could not nor may never understand forced
it. Someone who could see inside me as though you had know me my whole life
and I could not run from.
I do not know what to do. Scared to run. Scared to stay. Scared to breathe and think and feel.
But it is like a screaming child. The fire alarm that just will not stop ringing. 24/7 competing
for my attention. Kryptonite.
Trying to fight something that I do not understand. But how can you fight something if you do not
know what it is? Or know if you really should. Or even if you want to.
You get every emotion from the whimsical, to the angry tears, to the altruism, to magnetic.
I just know not where this runaway train is headed. I really don't
I went to visit my grandmother today, to find her table a mess with boxes filled with all sorts of pictures and her adamantly telling me how she needed to get them in books and organized. Lately visiting her is more and more bittersweet as I am perhaps reading so many of her behaviors as preparation to let go or die. And it just hurts. Imagining my life without her is hard. Not only that, lately my life seems so meaningless and I feel so disenchanted and alone and unwanted I have actually made silly wishes...ones that perhaps I could swap how many years I am left on this planet and give them to her. Makes no sense but I do. I do not want to die, but I want to feel alive and sometimes I feel as though I am a ghost or an illusion here.
And I think the reason I blog or take so many damn pictures of myself is some sort of effort to quell this worry. Or give myself a way of living on. Even after I am gone. Just the way people sort of see when they have children. Maybe one day someone will stumble upon one of my many blogs here online and wonder who I was and find me fascinating. And despite the dates being long ago and far away feel less alone and meaningless themselves. Then even if I am not there to witness, my life would not be in vain. Not at all.
The bay area is quite the curious place. Where else can you have these random nights in the middle of August, whereupon leaving a club/show and go to your car can you see your breath and perhaps ice on your windshield? Or days like today in the middle of February where people shop in tank tops and smell of sun lotion? Here and only here I suppose. Come Monday I am guessing I may be huddling for warmth under the blankets at night, but for today it is strangely warm.
Three day weekend=much needed respite. Or much deserved one. Work actually has settled down and for whatever reason for the moment I seem to be the golden one, with a magic touch. And it happened right on the cusp of one co worker being laid off and another fired. So lucky for me. Lucky...not a word I am used to at all. Other than in association with bad.
Yet I am all sort of restless and angsty and alone. Damn you Valentine's Day for reminding me of this. At least now I suppose I have a break until my Birthday returns when I outright hate a date on the calendar with a vengeance and the urge to cry myself silly is met with my refusal to do so.
I cried more than I like to admit this week. More than I would normally allow. This horrible annoying ache will not go away. I need to hurry up and focus all of my energy again on something random to make it stop. Or distract me.
What do you do when something is so deep under your skin despite yourself?
Recent Comments
-
Renegade Princess said:
The thing is, I need someone to keep my from unraveling and falling apart. I never have anyone to keep... read more
on I'll be off to find another way -
Joshua said:
You were always there to talk me down that ledge, in this city fueled by alcohol, whores, and broken dreams.... read more
on I'll be off to find another way -
A person always needs changes in his/her life.Some persons can live longer without changes than other... read more
on gotta go to work, gotta go to work, gotta have a job